Marriage Procedure

What is Marriage?

We in the Durham Monthly Meeting understand marriage to be a spiritually-led union of two individuals founded in love and based on equality and trust. Marriage is a testimony to God's love in human relationships, and the partners who commit to marriage attempt to turn their physical relationship and daily lives into an instrument of divine love. Individuals who enter into this union agree to nurture the light in each other while they continue to respect the personal journeys that each individual must follow. A couple comes to marriage with the expectation of a life-long commitment and the realization that marriage is an ongoing process that constantly changes and grows. Like the workings of the spirit, a marriage turns by creativity and renewal.

The marriage ceremony is the public celebration and solemnization of the union of two people. It brings together family, friends and community to partake in the joy and love of the couple's commitment to each other. In the traditional manner of Friends, the marriage ceremony comes after the couple, together with the Meeting, works through a careful process of clearness. The ceremony takes place in a called meeting for worship where the couple stands in the presence of God and, without an inter-mediator, pledges their love and commitment to each other. Friends gathered at the meeting for worship witness this pledge and offer to the couple their spiritual support.

While we clearly acknowledge the spiritual nature of marriage and the marriage ceremony, we also understand that truth is continually revealed and, for this reason, we feel a need to avoid rigid ideas about what specifically constitutes a marriage. Instead of proposing absolutes, we place our trust in the clearness process and in acts of spiritual discernment that take place through this process. The important task of the clearness committee is not to enforce the will of the Meeting, but to discover the will of God working through the couple.

Marriage Process for Durham Monthly Meeting

A couple interested in approaching Durham Monthly Meeting concerning marriage should write a letter to the Meeting addressed to the clerk and signed by both individuals. The letter should state the intention of the couple in as much detail as possible. Couples are asked to approach the Meeting in a spirit of openness and patience. They should understand that Quaker process is often lengthy and that it is entered into without the expectation of a determined outcome. Once the clerk has received the letter from the couple, she or he will pass the letter to the Committee on Ministry and Counsel. It is recommended that representatives of Ministry and Counsel set up a preliminary meeting with the couple before the request for marriage is formally taken to Monthly Meeting for Business. The clerk of Meeting will then take the request for marriage to monthly meeting for business along with Ministry and Counsel’s recommendation for a clearness committee. When the clearness committee is approved by business meeting, it will set up a series of meetings with the couple.

Guided by the queries for marriage, it is the task of the clearness committee to labor carefully with the couple and to explore the spiritual, emotional and physical basis of their intended commitment. It should help the partners clarify their relationship with each other and counsel them on whatever tensions and problems might persist. At the end of this process, the clearness committee should report back to the meeting for business about whether the committee feels the marriage is advisable and whether the marriage should be taken under the care of the Meeting.

When the Meeting takes a marriage under its care, we assume that at least one of the partners has a deep commitment to the Religious Society of Friends and a long-standing relationship with Durham Monthly Meeting. Usually this commitment is marked by formal membership in the Meeting. If the clearness committee agrees that the marriage should be taken under the care of the Meeting and makes this recommendation to Monthly Meeting for Business, Meeting will then decide whether or not to approve the marriage under its care.

If it approves, Monthly Meeting will organize an oversight committee that will help the couple plan a marriage ceremony in the traditional manner of Friends and aid the couple in any legal considerations related to their marriage. After the ceremony, the marriage oversight committee completes its’ work by making a report to the next monthly meeting for business. At that time, the accomplishment of the marriage is entered into the Meeting records.

The clearness committee may feel that the marriage is suitable and yet may decide, for any number of reasons, that it is not appropriate for the couple to be married under the care of the Meeting. In such a case, the clearness committee will creatively seek ways in which the Meeting, both collectively and through its individual members, can be involved in celebrating the marriage of the couple. Again we stay open to the leadings of the spirit and we commit our trust to the wisdom that comes from the clearness process.

Queries for those Considering Marriage

What does spirituality mean in your life? In what way do you see your intended marriage as the refection of your spiritual commitments to each other? How do you plan on bringing spirituality into your relationship and through that into the world at large?

How would each of you describe what you hope for and expect from your marriage relationship? What reservations do you have about marriage? Have you shared these matters with your partner?

How openly and clearly can you communicate with each other? What process do you go through in making decisions? How are you able to handle anger and conflict?

What are your feelings about privacy, freedom and trust? What experiences do you have, either from your own family or from previous relationships, which might impact upon your marriage? Have you discussed these with your partner?

What do you feel is the basis of your friendship with each other? What activities and hobbies do you share? Are you comfortable with each other's need for friendships outside the relationship?

What duties and responsibilities to each other will you undertake in the establishment of a home? What additional responsibilities and commitments will compete for your time?

Have you discussed your plans for employment? Are you clear with each other about how you will manage the finances of the home? What are your attitudes about money?

Have you clarified your feelings about the possibility of children? What are your attitudes about family planning? If you desire children, do you have similar attitudes about raising them? Would you be happy without children? How do you feel about adoption?

Do you expect to be compatible regarding the role of sexuality in your marriage? Do you share the same opinion about the value of fidelity in your relationship?

Are you aware of any medical problems that might influence your marriage and your future?

If the marriage is in any way unconventional (for example, same-sex marriage or interracial marriage), how do you intend to meet any obstacles that may result? What are the feelings of your family and friends?

“Marriage Procedure” approved Twelfth month 12th, 1993 in Meeting for Worship with attention to Business of Durham Monthly Meeting, Durham, NC.

Resources on Marriage:

Several books and pamphlets offer guidance for couples intending marriage in Quaker Meetings and for their Clearness Committees. The following (among others) are recommended and may be borrowed from the Committee on Ministry and Counsel:

· Elizabeth Watson, Clearness for Marriage. Family Relations Committee, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, 1980, 17 pp.

· “In the presence of God and these our Friends...”: A Quaker Marriage. Family Relations Committee, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, 1988, 26 pp.

· A Resource Guide to be used by a Same-sex Couple and by Their Monthly Meeting's Committee on Clearness in the Event of Their Request for A Celebration of Commitment or Marriage. Family Relations Committee, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, 1988, 13 pp.

The Wedding Ceremony

The traditional Friends marriage ceremony is striking in its simplicity: during a called Meeting for Worship, the couple stands and says their vows to each other without the help of a third person, and thus enters into a binding relationship, before God, and in the presence of their friends. They can write their own vows, expressing their commitment in an original statement, or use the traditional Quaker vows:

"In the presence of God and these our friends, I take thee, _________, to be my wife/husband, promising with Divine assistance, to be unto thee a loving and faithful husband/wife so long as we both shall live."

The custom of not giving the bride away was adopted by the Society of Friends in its early days in affirmation of Friends' recognition of the equal status of men and women. The custom of having the marriage pronounced by the couple themselves, and not by a minister or other official, reflects Friends' devotion to the personal relationship each of us has with God, without need for mediation or interpretation by others. Nevertheless, the wedding tends to adapt itself to the individuality of each occasion: some brides prefer to walk into the Meeting with their father or substitute, joining the groom where they are to be seated, and some couples prefer to find some role for one or more persons who are important to their lives together. The most important fact about the wedding itself is that it is a meeting for worship within which the marriage takes place.

A Friends' wedding offers an opportunity for the guests to share with a couple in a Meeting for Worship the important step they have taken. Family members and guests unfamiliar with Friends’ worship and marriage customs will appreciate and introduction. The couple might enclose a brief description with the invitation, and a member of the marriage oversight committee might be asked to speak a few words before worship begins.

The signing of the marriage certificate by the couple towards the end of the service is comparable to being pronounced man and wife. The reading of this document, beautiful in its’ wording, is a significant part of the wedding procedure. All those present are asked to sign the certificate as evidence of their witnessing the beginning of the new relationship. The certificate will probably become a cherished possession (see Appendix III).

After the wedding, as the marriage develops, the Meeting would like to continue to be a source of support to the couple. The Meeting is a community in which ideas, energy, and experiences are shared. And, in times of need, members give and receive nurturance from one to another. The couple is being married under the care of a religious community, and the caring of the community does not stop with the performance of the marriage ceremony.