Journal Illuminations

Louise Harris

 

Friday, March 16, 2007    Avila Center

 

Enormity of God, filling the white immensity.  Keep me looking through Your eyes – Wash away my fears and doubts – let me live into Your Peace.

Let me feel my mother in this strange journey I take into your love.

The sound of the fountain brings your soothing washing purifying light over my whole being.

Thank you God for loving me as I am, where I am; Help me grow into your Truth and accept all the changes it may entail.

This Grand and Active Silence feels like White Light.  The silence is loud in my ears.  My own voices, memories, expectations, still try to be heard – I shall let them pass through.

This feels like fasting, that calm, light-headed clear floating sensation.

As I walked out my door, a woodpecker was rattling atop this dead tree – just for me.

 

Sunday, April 15, 2007

 

Before I got to meeting, I prepared the “Before Door” exercise of Bill Taber. I pictured the meeting and held it up to God’s presence. 

I had a wonderful wordless experience of warmth and light and the pure joy of God surrounding me.  It lasted and lasted, and I didn’t want it to end.  No ministry arose – at the end I felt thankfulness for God’s beautiful creation.  I especially felt blessed after having some times of dryness or distraction.  I know God is always there, but I have to wait.

 

Monday, May 28, 2007

 

I have realized that I am much less worried about work, or lack thereof.  I seem to take it more in stride, welcoming time to meditate and study.  This is a qualitative change since I started the School of the Spirit.

 

Monday, June 4, 2007

 

It is difficult to center!  I started thinking about David Bailey – guilt that I haven’t even sent a card or even email.  In The Way of the Pilgrim, they say even difficulties in praying are acceptable to God.  They remind us of our sin and distance from God and lead us to hunger for God more.

 

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

 

God is in every cell of my being.  His love envelopes me.  I am not deserving but He finds me precious.  Bible verse from past: show thyself approved, a workman unto God, rightly dividing the Word of Truth.

 

 

 

End of June, 2007 River Falls FGC Gathering

Age 13 or 14

Riding a Greyhound bus to visit Susan Ivey in Monroeville, AL.  I had never ridden a Greyhound bus before.  I felt “high.” I was into puberty –starting to be a woman, in ancient times, girls married at this age.  I felt I heard the voice of God telling me to be a missionary in foreign lands.

 

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 River Falls, WI Gathering

 

Let all the tiredness, pain, trouble sink to the bottom, sift down like motes of gold – the water – more still – clears – reflects myself – sees my reflection change waver – ripple away – reform.

I am still here – I am still aware in the silent still water that surrounds me.

 

Thursday, July 5, 2007 River Falls FGC Gathering

 

White light, tinged with green – compassion love out toward the others – my authentic experiences here seem more in small groups – writing is a tool, rather than an end in itself.  Getting down, clearing out the pain.

My guide always leads me up to white light, then into my inner sanctum.  There I offer food to entities within.  Get wisdom, feel encouragement, feel God’s/Christ’s love.  Sometimes I get to a true deep place – not now – I’m too sleepy  – though that sleepiness brings some insights – I just can’t remember them.  When have I felt most in touch?  Possibly when I got into writing about difficult things – then I can jettison the pain – then I can feel God’s love.

 

Quakers are such real people, so different than community groups, even my women’s group.  Funny how meditation led me to Quakerism, then social concerns hooked me – lots of like minds.  But now it’s the daily spiritual practice and corporate discernment that is so meaningful to me.

I still feel like the tax collector – powerful, certainly not holy – realizing what a compromised sinner I am.  Only through God’s mercy can I come thru into the Light.  Keep listening for that voice!

 

We went to see and hear Marcus Borg, much praised by many – Eleanor, John Hunter.  At first I was very sleepy, almost falling asleep sitting up.  Then I started to listen – mostly intellectual – historical – radical politics but little contemplative message.  Then we went into silence and suddenly when I closed my eyes I saw a huge moonlit calm ocean, luminous and I had a wonderful feeling of perfection and love.  Then my knee ached so I uncrossed my legs.  The vision/experience flicked away.  Then I tried to re-experience the presence, but it wasn’t there.  I got a strong message that I wouldn’t see it again, maybe not even remember it, but that was OK.  God’s love was surrounding me anyway.  Tears started to flow.  I tried to open my eyes, but the light was too bright, so I went back inside.

 

Sunday, July 8, 2007 Mitchell, SD

 

I had a strong insight about the portion of the 23rd Psalm – “Thou preparest a table in the presence of mine enemies, thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over.”  This time it was clear that the ‘enemies’ were my temptations, my straying from God, my following my own will instead of God’s, my giving in to anger, pride, greed, worry, stress instead of surrendering to God’s love.  And I have the tools to do all this – my head is anointed – soothed by God, and my blessings overflow with Love and Light.  This expands the previous message about forgiveness of enemies – I always have to forgive myself first, knowing that I am a sinner and imperfect and only by grace can I be made whole – or can anyone be made whole!

 

I still appreciate my work in the hard world with poor, distressed people, to whom I can sometimes give some guidance or help.  I fail many times, though often it is not my fault, or not all my fault.  I believe that race relation work is worthwhile, and Quakers have good intentions, but some of us are in the trenches.  I’m not a martyr, but working as a Spirit-filled person among many types of people is my goal.

 

I do hope our Winston-Salem Worship Group will grow into a Meeting to take on discernment and support of each other.

 

Wednesday, July 11, 2007   Hill City, SD Black Hills

 

I have woken up in the night and feared that I was breaking down – my body and my mind and I couldn’t do my work anymore.

 

Monday, August 6, 2007

 

Glimpse of ocean – light full warmth and coolness of Love – could see darkness far below – deceit, hypocrisy, self-doubt, etc.  Always there – pierce the veil.

Oh, joy and thanks be to God – guide me in my faltering steps, you knowest all and all the Way for me.  Thank you, thank you God!!

 

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

 

I had a true opening at this weird, semi-programmed meeting at Minneapolis Friends Meeting.  Jangling, perky hymns, a “lecturette” by a woman, lots of fairly superficial messages.  But I started having a niacin flush, so I relaxed – and saw a glimpse of the Light – “just over the next mountain” then it appeared, so close, yet so hidden, I felt truly dumbfounded.

Isn’t is strange that I’ve twice gotten a visceral, visual opening when the outer experience was not “speaking to me?”